At $4.24 for a gallon of gasoline and $4.89 for a gallon of milk, it appears home-based breast-feeding is probably the most financially responsible decision a family can make.
However, let’s dig a bit deeper. There is currently a $.65 difference or approximately eight gallons of gas for every seven gallons of milk. With gas prices rising faster than inflation, some of us are considering making a hedge bet.
To wit, I am buying cows – not those little Jersey bitches with the small teets and designer leather futures – big heffers with a fast gait and rear-ends the size of your pathetically-endowed-man’s 4×4 SUV. When gas prices push northward of the half-dozen dollar mark, and the populous is out shopping for some two-wheeled Chinese import with rusty spokes and questionable gearing, I’ll be riding my fuel-efficient bovine transport system down to the nearest mall in search of a new big screen. But wait, there’s more.
Methane, with bond angles of 109.5 degrees, is the simplest alkane and the principal component of, drum roll, natural gas! That’s right kiddies, while I’m feeding my cow enough grass to produce methane out the ying-yang, y’all are going to be screaming at your gas pumps. Plus, if I can find a lactose intolerant cow – irony is cruel fuckin’ wet nurse – my little Bos Primigenius is gonna flatulate me from here to kingdom come. Factor in the added bonus of a few good steaks – weird to think cows are vegetarian isn’t it – when the poor fella’ croaks and I’m fairly certain I’m coming out ahead of the game.
Michele Obama can bitch about dairy all she wants, and sure the smell isn’t exactly what your average thinking man would consider applying before an anticipatory Friday night, but cows are the future, baby. C’mon, join me. For the good of country, for financial liberty, for the freedom to make slow progress across the fruited plains. Buy a cow.
Note to self: When they place your face on the back of the milk carton, try to smile.