Very shortly you will hear a knock at your door. Before you decide to open it, I’d like to discuss some things. Rumor has it that you were a bad guy in your day. Falling out with the big fella’, the whole Parseltongue misunderstanding, and getting heaved from the garden probably didn’t do wonders for the relationship thing. Understandably, you’ve been pretty upset for a number of years, stoking the fires and surrounding yourself with chaste strippers and flaming souls. But I’ve got a little issue with you.
You are supposed to be a bad guy, right? I mean, that’s what we say up here on earth, beneath the wooden spires and steepled roofs, right about Sunday morn when we don our suits and hats and head off to do some like serious prayer stuff. That Lucifer fells’ whoa, now there’s an unpleasant chap. Evil I tell ya’ down to his core. So here’s the thing. If you are so bad, why do you punish bad people? They are supposed to be on your side, right, in your army as it were? They are the rapists and murderers, the sodomists and pedophiles, the criminals and un-forgivers. And yet there you are, trying to live a life of debauchery and sin, imposing penalty on those who attempt to glorify your lifestyle. I don’t get it. Shouldn’t you be praising these folks – ok, so maybe praise wasn’t the right word – or at the very least, rewarding them?
Anyway, the reason I’m writing is: There’s a pretty terrible ungentlemanly type headed your way. Quick description, long gray beard, dusty turban, bears a slight resemblance to that homeless dude who had the golden voice and ended up with a job offer from a national basketball league team before succumbing to drugs and alcohol two days after receiving his first paycheck (you’ll probably be seeing him in the near future as well) and has enough bullet holes in him to look like an Afghan version of Swiss Cheese. He’s responsible for organizing some fairly awful deeds up here on the crust, and well, I, and a few hundred million other people would like to be damn sure he doesn’t get what he expects.
We’d appreciate an absence of 72 virgins – unless of course they are extremely well hung sodomitic male virgins with aggressive nymphomaniacal tendencies – and no gold thrones or young servants – unless they are electric thrones and the servants are the switch pullers – and no fruits unless they are the poisoned apples (you should be able to handle this one!). Finally, we’d suggest you put a tether on the fella’. He seems to be a damn good hide and seek player and we want to make sure he doesn’t miss his just rewards. So, between you and us moral folk, let’s make sure we’ve sent this dead fanatic to the right place, eh?
Don’t take care,
Pretty much everyone in the good ol’ USA