Thousands of people are currently wandering the streets of New York proclaiming the Rapture is about to begin. Dispensationalist Premillenialists see this event as occurring in two distinct events, the first being the Rapture and the second being the seeing of Christ as he returns to end a battle staged as Armageddon.
Since today may be the last day before bodies start mysteriously disappearing, it might be a good day to consider last day desires. Go max out those credit cards, hack off the head of that person you really can’t stand, engage in a reminiscent romp with that ol’ flame, tell your kids that they have been pissing you off lately and that if you should mysteriously disappear tomorrow, you just wanted them to know it.
Personally, I’m a little pissed off at this schedule. You’d think a merciful God wouldn’t take a hard-earned Saturday night away from his minions. I have great plans this weekend and I’m thinking Monday would have worked out a lot better – day off work, post-weekend debauchery, bleary-eyed wanderings etc. – for this Rapture-ish thing.
This prediction comes from an 89 year-old Christian radio broadcaster named Harold Camping, who, in Nostradamus-unlike fashion, previously predicted September of ’94, and apparently suffers no delusions that people think he’s a blithering idiot with a national audience of presumably bigger blithering idiots. On the plus side, Camping suggests that those un-raptured folks, rather then ascend into some Heaven-like holding pen, will simply cease to have conscious and avoid Hell, which is pretty cool in my opinion.
Anyway, I’m hoping you will all join me in helping to promote the idea that the Rapture is happening tomorrow, by grabbing some old sets of clothing and shoes, and lying them along sidewalks, in malls, and anywhere you think some reckless religious event should occur. Because hey, fucking with religious zealots is just something we Americans are good at, right?