Three Phases of Life

IMHO, there are three phases in life.

Phase 1 — When you can get away with saying anything you want.

Anyone aged three to eight has experienced this, when the first curse word comes out like the day’s dawn, or you blurt out some totally inappropriate physical characteristic that causes Aunt Betty or, even worse, Absolute Stranger, to blush while your parents cringe with embarrassment.

Phase 2– When you have to watch what you say

About age nine to whenever you get over your angst about political correctness and foreign strife,  and the fact that doctors may be sticking fingers in places no empathetic human should ever touch, and the notion that you have some pretty creepy habits in your life and that sharing them will incur the disgust and wrath of pretty much everyone you know, but if you can find a way to whether the storm you’ll make for some great “I’ve got this friend who…” stories that we’ll all tell when you’ve decided to skip the evening meal and sit at home with your finger up your nose, passing gas on your coach, and trying to decode the porn channels on your DVR.

Phase 3—When death is closer than birth and you can laugh at life’s absurdity

This is less age-based than merely an evolution from your inhibited phase-2 self.  This is when you conspire with your friends over coffee and talk about the places the doctors fingers have been and the diseases you are currently fighting off and the strange things your spouse did not do in the boudoir last night and what you did in the bathroom shortly thereafter.

But this information is not all for naught. I’m offering this insight for a good reason.  Tomorrow I am getting a colonoscopy.  For those fortunate enough to be uninformed, here ya’ go:

Colonoscopy (def) is the endoscopic examination of the large bowel and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus.

Did you notice the unbelievably large number of words you never want associated with one another?  Camera…flexible…examination….anus!  Seriously? Just reading the Wikipedia definition makes me feel like I’ve been violated.  Isn’t this the kind of thing you expect in prison?  And I’m going to pay for it.

Anyway, at some point I got to laughing about it.  I’ve decided to ask for a DVD. Plus, I’m thinking I can send a copy to my editor and ask her to revise it so I only need a semi-colonoscopy.  Funny, right?  OK, maybe I’m just ranting and a little nervous about having a Kodak jammed up my ass so some stranger can get a polaroid of my guts.  Sorry to vent.  Thank for listening.  Will post the video tomorrow.  🙂

By ccxander

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