Nothing with a face or a mother. For six weeks now, that’s been the protocol. Vegetarian, with no dairy, the absence of any full feeling, the missing sense of something to really gnaw on, meatless. For the first time in my life, I’m experimenting with different dietary guidelines. Healthier lifestyle, better nutrition, back to the caveman days, they say, as if I wasn’t aware the average lifespan for a cavemen was about 30 years – and NO it wasn’t because they were eaten by dinosaurs (that’s just a total lack of knowledge about prehistoric history, you dumbass…they said).
Prepare for oblique segue….
I am walking through the nursery – mission for a friend – to procure several small shrubs, a well-trimmed Banzai tree, and the bane of my current existence, the Dionaea muscipula. For those who chose to toke bong loads instead of attending the eight a.m. university-level Latin class, Dionaea muscipula is the Genus and Species name for the Venus Flytrap, a carnivorous plant that catches and digests animal prey.
You see where I’m heading, right?
This is a plant…that eats animals. A plant…THAT EATS ANIMALS! I am seriously conflicted about this damn thing. See, I’ve always argued that cows are vegetarian and that eating one wouldn’t breach the whole vegetarian experiment, but then I get yelled at by terribly thin people with too-white skin. They tell me that even though cows eat green, they are pink inside, and breathe, and have babies, and moo painfully when slaughtered. So now I stand around with a half-poured ketchup bottle in my hand, and an attractive hindquarter on my plate, and feel guilty enough to walk away. Instead, I lope over to the local market and scour the produce section for something with less than 90% water and lacking the fiber content that will inevitably make me stop at the toilet paper aisle. But I digress.
The flytrap should be edible, shouldn’t it? Somehow this botanist’s blasphemy transforms meat into vegetable. With some research, I discovered a whole host of carnivorous plants- Nepenthes, Cephalotus, most Heliamphora, and some Drosera. One can almost imagine the Green Thumbers’ nightmarish shrieks if Tim Burton ever got ahold of this little tidbit. Even though this thing eats pink, it’s green inside, and doesn’t breathe, or have babies, or moo painfully when slaughtered.
So, veggies transformed into meat is bad, but meat transformed into veggies is good? Processed meats are not good for you, but the organic veggies that have never been sprayed to remove the bugs, are great. I’m supposed to save the big puffy trees but eating the little puffy trees like broccoli is recommended.
The point is, there seems to by a whole lot of hypocrisy in the world of biology. Carnivorous plants and vegetarian animals sound more like Dr. Seuss inventions than Darwinian mutants. And don’t even get me started on Tofurkey.
Anyway, this whole thing has made me hungry, so if you can figure out something acceptable for me to eat, lunch is on me!