My Lawsuit Against Mother Nature

I’m sure there were some wonderful ones before 1978, but, for me, it all started with the Twinkie Defense—too much sugar diminished my mental capacity and that’s why I shot those guys.  Then there was the hot coffee incident at McDonalds – you remember the $2.7 million award for the lady who spilled “too hot” coffee on her lap – friggin’ klutz.  Just yesterday, I read about law students suing schools because they can’t find jobs – well played, young Jedis!  This morning about a lady, who got hit in the mouth by a baseball during a Little League game, and is now suing the 11- year old who threw the ball – yes, seriously, suing a kid for throwing a ball – idiot should’ve ducked!

The point is, the frivolous lawsuit seems here to stay, so I’m employing that age-old strategy, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

 Craig Cignarelli vs. Mother Nature.


Suing for punitive damages in the name of $17 trillion…I figure that should get most of the American citizenry behind me in my quest to resolve the looming debt crisis while leaving myself a cool half-billion or so to buy a few new suits.


Jan-March I’m spending a fortune on long sleeve t-shirts and the damn meteurologists (def) don’t know whether or not it’s going to piss outside – are suggesting I purchase galoshes in a city that thinks galoshes is some sort of Russian food.

April-May means I’m spending half my life in the local CVS or Walgreens arguing with people who wear diapers just so I can get my hands on something that will stop my itchy eyes and running nose.

June’s cloudiness and gloom is like an external hangover and drives me to drink, which causes me…well, you get the picture.

July and August require a virtual corporate expense account for sunscreens, deodorant bottles and head coverings, not to mention the frequent embarrassment of underarm pools and forehead sweat.  Plus the ol’ shower or pool dilemma.

September–October Ever hear of El Nino or the Santa Ana’s?  Look, if Mother Nature is going to employ foreign labor, that’s on her dime, but I can get through my day without the added attractions, so I certainly don’t think I should be subsidizing this equatorial climate crap?

As for November and December, would it hurt to have a little snow out here in California?  Centuries have passed and what, she’s teased us a few times with a smattering of flurries while the East Coast hunkers down beneath warm blankets aside cozy fires and gets to sing Christmas songs that actually make sense.  You try belting out a chorus of “Let it Snow” while your air conditioner is humming along in the background and you’re un-showered Uncle is suffering a severe case of swamp ass.

The point here is if she can do this…

and this…

…then clearly something as simple as providing the perfect day should be within her control.  Perhaps a little $17 trillion punitive reminder will help.

The plaintiff rests.

By ccxander

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