Another Inappropriate Christmas Tale from CC

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and the house was a mess

I’d been drinking since three, of career distress

The stockings were lying right there by the floor

My wife saw me come home and she’d stripped at the door

The children were in their bed all nestled and sweet

She was feeling quite naughty and wanting a treat

Mama put on her leather and I dropped my briefs

She grabbed the North Pole and I sighed with relief

When out in the yard some idiot with a sled

Crashed onto my lawn while I was getting head

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Ripped open the shutter and yelled out to his ass

The streetlight failing above the commotion

Was a prelude to the hell now set in motion

When what to my rueful eyes should appear

But a staggering red suit with a forty-ounce beer

When the unsightly lush fell over and got sick

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick

More rapid than rats the police sirens came

And he slurred and mumbled and call’d them by name

“Now Narc, Now Piggy, Now Popo and Shady

On Five-0, on Copper, on Smokey and Statie”

He slammed through the porch and crashed into the wall

“You’ll never catch me,” he said clutching his balls

As dry leaves before passing semi- trucks fly,

When lifted by wind, mount to the sky

So up to the roof the officers flew

Reaching for Nick as he shouted “Screw you”

And then in an instant I heard up on top

His lurching and wobbling as he avoided the cop

I drew in my head to see what would transpire

Down the chimney came Nick, burnt his ass in my fire

He was dressed all in fur from his beard to his toes

His clothes reeked of booze and his junk was exposed

A bag of things stolen was flung on his back

He turned his head and coughed and then touched his sack

His eyes – how they bled! His frown lines how deep

His skin appeared jaundiced and his breath smelled like feet

His chapped lips were dry like a riverbed’s drought

The beard on his chin was covered in Stout

The blunt of a joint he held with lips like a wreath

And the smoke, it had yellowed and rotted his teeth

He had cloud-colored hair and a furry beer gut

Which when pressed from the sides looked a lot like his butt

He was putrid and rank, a right dastardly drunk

I held up a bat and cried “Don’t fuck with me punk.”

With a roll of his eyes and a flop of his head

He fell on the ground and I thought he was dead

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He said not a word but went straight to his work

Left the gifts from his bag and called me a jerk

And then shoving a finger inside of his nose

He scrambled up my chimney and burned off his clothes

He jumped to his sleigh and flipped off the cops

Then grabbed the reigns and slagged down some Shnapps

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight

Bah Humbug you bastards, you messed up my night!

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By ccxander

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