The Crime: Somewhere between 10pm and 6am, someone broke my car window and stole my computer bag, seizing my credit card, ATM card, passport, Kindle, and an absurd amount of cash (Yes, I’m the idiot who left it in the car).
Post Burglary: I’ve gotten the window repaired, cancelled my cards, collaborated with the police and received a copy of the police report. Turns out the criminals made five fraudulent purchases using my cards, which means there’s a 7-11, a Shell station, and a Marshall’s clothing store that do not require a pin number to use my debit card.
Conversation with Police:
”Any chance of me getting my stuff back?”
“Are you guys going to do anything with my report?”
“So, I’m not really trying to be a dick here, but what exactly are my tax dollars paying for?”
“….” (look of disdain)
“….” (symbolic raising of eyebrows indicating unfettered astonishment)
“Well, if we give you the report, you might be able to convince one of the stores to let you see the video of the perpetrators.”
“Thank you, officer. Much appreciated.”
“….” (Sound of donut being bitten)
The Aftermath: I’ve communicated with the criminal division of Marshall’s clothing store (yes it exists and yes it’s hilarious), who are currently reviewing the videotapes to find the time code where we can both view the criminals.
Very Shortly: I will be donning some sort of vigilante Superhero costume (think Batman or Ironman) and heading down to L.A.s streets to post fliers with photos of the suspects.
Yes, I understand the irrationality of this action, however, certain deviant acts require an extreme level of absurdity. Think about it. When a Superhero shows up at your house to retrieve his possessions, what the hell are you going to do? Insanity has to trump delinquency, right? This guy has got to wonder whether I’m the real deal, and if so, what the next ten minutes of his life will hold. And even if he pulls a gun or breaks out a Louisville slugger, I’ll be so hyped up in my costume that I’ll kick the guy’s ass just for thinking of wielding a weapon.
Conclusion: Yep, I’m really onto something. There may be a future here. If anyone is interested in joining the cause, I think I have an extra pair of Underoos in my closet.