I am now in Bristol, Tennessee, a town, which boasts caverns and a dam as attractions and serves enough sweet tea to keep the local dentistry business in luxury. With a few extra hours this morning, I intended to venture out to South Holston Dam. However, asking for directions in this State is like negotiating with Iran – they just don’t mean what you think they mean.
“Can you help me with directions to the Dam.”
“It’s ‘bout a cuppa my.”
“Cuppa my from heya.”
You can see how the average IQ in America is100. Disappointed, I left.
On a whim, I asked Siri what a Cuppa My is and she said a couple miles, implying I may actually be the reason America’s IQ is 100. Turns out, a Cuppa My in Bristol translates to 13 barn-observing miles, with one stop to ask for more directions because clearly a Cuppa My can’t possibly be this goddamn far. Luckily for me, Murray – yes, that really was her name –Murray cleared things up for me, stating, ‘Make a right at the Dollar General and then turn left at the big tree.” For those unfamiliar with Bristol, we’re pretty much in the middle of the Appalachian mountains, so phrases like the “Big Tree” is about as delineating as urine in a dog park. I think I found it though.
After another ten minutes, I arrived. Here’s a photo to prove it.
The damn was pretty, the nearby bridge even prettier, and the fisherman fishing off that bridge, with the foot-long grey beard, the face that resembled a catcher’s mitt, and wrinkled hands large enough to handle the largest of trout, was not pretty at all.
After a quick jog around the river, I needed food.
Ready for this?
So many things right here, I don’t think I can say anything worthy. Nor do I need to. Love the quotes though.
Tomorrow I am speaking at King University. Presumably, someone will give me proper directions and more real food. If not, you’ll find me on the highway somewhere, scooping up the road kill, which averages one raccoon per mile. It’s not great fare, but when in Bristol….