My New Relationship Status

Certain relationships are sacred – priests, psychologists, wives – endowed with a sort of presumed privacy one requires in a faithful confidante.  One can reveal secrets without fear of recrimination and, consequently, one can dig down into some pretty deep emotions.  These relationships allow us to learn more about ourselves, to find our true passions and desires, to be real without the superficial undercurrent that intrudes upon our daily lives.  Absent social media and mobile technology, these relationships form circles of comfort whereby we embrace our humanity.

Which all leads me to this Obamacare issue and the realization that I now have to develop a new relationship.  Today, my insurance company informed me that my current plan is non-compliant, and I will have to purchase a new plan with a new doctor.

As a heterosexual male, I’d always assumed there’d be only one man in my life, a healer with years of study and the sort of dispassionate medical attention one wants when a white-robed male figure dons a rubber glove and sticks a finger up your ass.  See, proctology is an important field – the prostate after all is one of those unseen glands that can wreak havoc upon one’s life – and one, which requires a certain amount of emotional detachment.  And so, when small-fingered doctor Gianni Corbo M.D., informed me that his company could no longer accept my insurance, and that I’d have to find another doctor (of unknown finger size) to perform my examinations, I suffered more than a few moments of anxiety.

Frankly, I’d always been under the assumption that my rectal area was part of a single lane system.  Things leave and never return.  After all, no one ever pushes water back into a sewer.   The sphincter is the one-way street of heterosexuality, and as we all know, when we see someone driving down a one-way street, its pretty much the same reaction “Asshole!” which has some pretty ironic and comedic undertones given the current circumstance.

On my first trip to the proctologist, there was some trepidation – frankly, even the handshake was a bit daunting – since I knew this man was about to violate me in ways that rapists and prisoners know all too well.  Sparing the details of that exam, I’ve decided to spend some time in jewelry shops watching gel-haired salesmen perform ring-sizing for all pre-marital males in hopes of finding a match for my digit requirements.  Asking the customers whether or not they are doctors and, if yes, what kind, is not nearly as formidable as testing out proctologists.

The point is, I now have to accept some things.  There will be a new man in my life, one with small warm hands and an empathetic nature.  There will be checks written with a sense of loss (for ex-doctors and my own innocence).  And somewhere in Washington, a President and several representatives will have no idea of the horror they’ve inflicted on a population of men that have no other option than to be doubly defiled.

And this is why I’d like to give the finger to Obamacare.

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By ccxander

Things I Think About Too Often

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If 20 babies of varying races and genders were dropped onto a deserted island, would they grow to organize themselves by race and gender?

How is it that some restaurants can nab me for going back for free refills, but we can’t stop people from voting more than once?

If guns are so horrible, why are we sending them to the Syrian people?

Anyone who wants candy, raise your hand.  Anyone who wants Viagra, raise your…oh sorry.

If a woman has a right to her own body, why can’t she drink a 32 oz. cup of soda for it if she lives in NYC?

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Why has Kmart started its Christmas advertising in early September?

How come it takes me 8 seconds with my cell phone to Google map the front of my house but, after nine months, we can’t find the Benghazi killers?

After reading the literature and case studies on House and Senate term limits, I’m still lost as to why we can have Presidential and Gubernatorial term limits, but we can’t impose them for Congress.

If I started a government today, what would be the first five things the government should do to care for its people?

It is said 30 billion dollars per year could cure world hunger.  Our national debt increases 2 billion dollars per day.  We could cure world hunger in two weeks.

Voting for something to find out what’s in it is like signing a contract before reading it.

If people believe tax cuts don’t trickle down, and people believe higher taxes are a disincentive to hiring, how exactly do we work ourselves out of this quagmire?

Would government function differently if there were no re-elections, but rather,  a new group of Representatives every two years?

1 in 6 people in America is hungry.  1 in 5 is obese.  Just imagining the dinner table dynamics that would cause this situationwill either make you laugh or cry.

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By ccxander